My first day back at Uni since it all fell apart (well, not the first day I attempted to go back, but the first successful day!), and it went quite well. Only four people know what happened, and they were all very sweet today.
I had a good talk with Sara after classes, because she is still struggling to conceive (R is a month younger than Evie, and she has been trying for about 12 months now and getting nowhere), and it was so nice to have a talk to someone who 'gets' it - not just the miscarriage (she had a miscarriage previously), but also the stress of having a baby in medschool, the dramas of whether to try for a second and not having it go as smoothly as you would like. Being able to just talk to her today was wonderful - no tears, no upset, just talking.
Tomorrow I'm going to see a supervisor about my upcoming exams, and the fact that I have missed a week of class, as well as missing more this week for my follow up appointments. I'm also concerned about my upcoming practical exams because one of the rotations I have done this semester is O&G, and a likely presentation is someone who is pregnant and presents with bleeding - I'm sure I will be fine, because I'm okay about it now, but given it's still so recent and raw, I'm terrified that in the high stress situation of the exam I will go to pieces, and not only ruin that station but potentially a couple of others as well. I'm sure I won't, but just in case I want to know what my options are, and whether it's possible if that IS a station, for me to be allocated to it last so it doesn't ruin the remainder of the exam for me.
Andrew and I had a chat last night about what this means for us in the future. I had pretty much written off trying again - I think I'd set myself some sort of stupid ideal that if I didn't get pregnant or get the timing right to have a baby in the summer holidays, then having a baby wasn't going to happen at all because I don't want to take a year off school for so many different reasons (the unfairness to put more pressure on Andrew to be the sole bread winner in a tough climate for another year; Andrew saying he doesn't want to have kids too late because he's getting older; Andrew wasn't super convinced about having #2 anyway; I didn't want too big an age gap between them - 3 years is already more than I'd initially planned... and the reasons go on including it's a dumb idea to have another baby in med school, because it's not easy, how will I cope, how will we afford the daycare fees...)
ANYWAY. I think the loss has made Andrew realised he actually really wanted another one, even though he kept telling me Evie was enough initially. He was pushing gently last night to not give up, that it's not necessarily the universe or God's way of telling us one is enough. He stated that if it meant taking a year off school, then so be it. If it meant struggling for a bit, so be it. He doesn't want to put it off. I think if I was ready he'd want to start trying straight away again - unfortunately for him my body isn't ready, and I don't think my heart and mind is yet either.
Still, I'm going to talk to our student counsellor/advisor tomorrow and tell her what has happened, and see if she can give me some insight into how 4th and 5th year work, and what my options will be should we decide to try again and the timing doesn't fall conveniently into summer holidays (which i don't get after 4th year because we have a compulsory 'placement' do to in our holidays for 5 weeks which leaves 3 weeks including Christmas....). I'm a bit nervous, but not as panicky as I was thinking about it a week ago.
I'm terrified, actually, because I don't want to go through this again, and I am scared of having a baby and not coping at school... but at the same time it's as though all of a sudden there's this tiny little flicker of 'what if' that wants to ignite, but I'm desperately trying to ignore it because I'm just not ready to go there yet.
Still, this time I'll know that it was Andrew who suggested it, and Andrew wants it too.
another happy memory, to remind of the beautiful things in my life.
drew is away for the weekend 'working' which turned into a card playing, beer drinking night because the weather is so bad. He's obviously had a few but he just called me then to check on me. ask if i'm ok.
and then he said something like:
i know you've been upset, and i'm sorry if i haven't been as understanding as i could have been.
he's been perfect. he's let me cry, he's held me, he's let me rage, he's not made me feel like an idiot for grieving when he quite obviously doesn't feel it as deeply as i do.
and yet, he worries that he hasn't done right by me.
he's been absolutely perfect, and his words tonight, slightly slurred and softened, made my eyes burn again but in a good way.
i am so, so lucky in my life with the people i love, and those who love me.
I've been a bad mum the last few days. So caught up in myself, that I've been ignoring Evie to a degree.
So this afternoon when she woke up from her nap, I took her to Kmart and blew $30 on letting her pick what toys she wanted. She chose a set of 'twin babies', and I helped her pick out a baby carrier and some accessories like bottles etc to go with her new babies (she is OBSESSED with dolls/babies), a pile of stickers, a colouring book and a bag of jelly beans (I'm incredibly impressed with how cheap this all was together). She was such a sweetheart, she called the babies "My sweet little babies" and nursed them in their box through the store, all the way home in the car, and didn't even nag to get them out because she knew when we got home she could open them.
Since we got home (about two hours ago now) she hasn't taken the baby carrier off (with one of the twins in it), and has proceeded to stuff the second twin up her shirt so she looks pregnant. That is a bit bittersweet, but I haven't cried about it (my eyes burnt a little, but it's more sweet than bitter now). She is currently sorting her accessories into all sorts of weird and wonderful collections that only she can categorise, and has all her other babies in various stages of sleep/bath/feeding/play; such a little mother hen.
Anyway. That is my happy for today.
|a, bug, diving, evelyn, exams, family, kidlets, life, loss, me, pregnancy, rambling, third year, why?|
Four of my friends are pregnant, and are due around the same time I was (I was first, the last one five weeks after my date). It is so incredibly difficult to see their posts on facebooks - the beginnings of announcements, scan pictures and comments.
Two of them knew I was pregnant, the others didn't.
I don't really know what I want. Well, I do, but what I want isn't possible. It's just so difficult to see those pictures and posts, or hear their conversations and know that should be me right now. I should still be whinging about morning sickness or heart burn, about feeling tired. I should have those first pictures of my baby now, starting to get excited about feeling the first movements in the next few weeks.
And instead, I have nothing and I get to watch them still travel through it.
Another friend had a baby last week in the middle of everything, and it is so bittersweet to see her little one - suddenly my view of everything has changed.
I don't know if we will try again. The way I feel right now, I can't fathom it but at the same time I am burning for the need to be full again. And yet with Uni and timing and everything else we have to try and do, I'm not sure how it would ever work. Just feels like we missed that window, and the boat has completely departed. I'm also terrified of the possibility of this happening, getting my hopes up and things not working out.
My parents made an impromptu visit last night (which for them is unheard of) all the way from the west coast, just for dinner and then a twenty minute coffee this morning. Seems such a waste, coming all this way when there is nothing they can do, but I really appreciated the gesture. The hugs. The knowledge that if things do go wrong, they will actually put the business second and put us first.
Andrew has gone away for the weekend running a dive charter (which I think will involve no diving and too much drinking because the weather is horrific), and I'm home alone with Evie. I've been a terrible mother, parking her in front of the television for the bulk of the day, letting her have free reign of the ipad, and when she whinges because she is bored/wants attention I buy her off with a small bowel of chocolate covered sultanas. I feel guilty for neglecting her, given I am grappling with loss and am eternally greatful she is with me, but I just don't have the energy or the ability to focus right now. Everything is jagged and sets me off - I tried playing babies with her earlier and holding the stupid dolls set me off because it reminded me that I won't have a baby in my arms soon.
I am feeling better today, not nearly as bleak and desolate as I was a few days ago, but I am feeling incredibly lost and directionless. I don't care about my exams which are two weeks away, a major assignment due in five days, or anything. I just want to curl up on my couch and continue to hide from the world.
I'm going to put Evie down for her sleep soon, and then when she wakes up I'll make an effort and take her shopping. I'm going to buy her some new toys we can play with this afternoon, so both of us feel better and have some frivolous bit of joy to entertain us this afternoon. She is such a little angel, really, letting me just 'ignore' her today and not making a fuss about it.
Oh, I had a follow up appointment yesterday. Ultrasound shows I'm not in the clear yet, but they can't tell if it's tissue or just blood left. Sent home for the week on more medication, with yet another sick certificate in case I feel the need to flake my last week of Uni, and if I feel at all unwell (I'm assuming fevers, because I have actually lost my voice today) I'm to go straight to emergency for a D&C. Hopefully next week the ultrasound comes back clear and I've managed to avoid this D&C, though I'm starting to feel I should have just sucked up the GA in the first place and got it all over and done with in one hit.
Maybe once all this stuff is cleared up medically it will be easier to move on.
We learnt about the five stages of grief in first year, second year, and again this year. I've experiences shades of both over the years, and thought I had a reasonable understanding of them.
It turns out I didn't. I didn't really understand how I can swing wildly between laughing at something silly Evie is doing to suddenly having wracking sobs that still sound like I am laughing. To how I can be fine, really, and then suddenly my eyes burn and it's difficult to breathe.
The rage inside me because it's not fair. The numbness, the shock, the inability to really believe it's happened. The shock, not only of losing the baby, but also how much it has affected me. The grief that I will never see this baby, or hold it. I don't know whether Bug had blue eyes or brown, what colour hair or the sound of the cry.
A large part of me is marvelling I can be so struck by grief, given I didn't know this child. But I did, because this child was mine. This child should have been in my arms, and now won't be.
In my quest to understand my grief and make sense of everything happening around me I've been reading some blogs of miscarriage and loss. One stated something about a current pregnancy (which also resulted in miscarriage) being this woman's fifth child, even though she only has two to hold.
That's how I feel. I feel as though I have lost a child. How much worse must this grief and pain be if you actually managed to hold your child? Or would you be comforted by knowing you've at least done that? Having memories? Not feeling cheated?
Do you feel less guilty for grieving a 'might of been' or 'dream' because your baby wasn't old enough to actually be called or even termed a 'baby' yet.
It struck me in the hospital how careful everyone was with wording. No one said foetus, or baby. It was all about 'passing tissue' which is so clinical and removed it made it easier to talk about. Easier to think about.
That tissue WAS my baby though.
I don't know if it is normal to hurt this much or grief this much. Am I over-reacting?
I thought I was fine on Tuesday, after the hospital drama. I thought I could move on because my body was 'purged' and I was empty.
Turns out the last two days I've cried more than I thought I could. I didn't know I could feel so empty inside while feeling relief that Evie is hugging me. That I could smile and hold a conversation while I was breaking on the inside. That the sight of baby items in the supermarket would make me cry. I had no idea it would be like this. That it could be like this for something I've only known for 8 weeks has been stolen from me.
If this baby was older, would I be more justified in my grief? I feel as though this is a secret grief, because miscarriage is so common and 'it's not a baby yet' and 'thank goodness it happened early' and so many people don't know I was pregnant. I want to yell at everyone that I just lost my baby, that my life has change irrevocably, yet there is this block in me, this inability to say it because I don't want everyone to look at me differently.
So much conflicting feeling. So many tears. My eyes are raw and I am avoiding the phone because it's always my Mom and andrew's Mom or Andrew checking on me, and that just makes me cry all over again.
I just want it to stop. I want it to be different. I want what I can't have. I don't want to hurt so much.
In grade 10, my school organised 'mainland' trip for those who wanted to go. The second night of that trip, I was sharing a cabin with 4 other girls, and we stayed up all night talking. It was the first time I'd had such honest, raw, deep discussions with people, and the five of us were inseparable after that for the rest of the year. We started a travel diary, which quickly morphed into a confessions/journaling style of thing between us, a bit like the Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants, except it was a travelling journal. We passed it between us, read each others dreams and fears and thoughts, and put our own down on the paper. We decorated with stickers, drawings, objects and mementos from our trip, and the year, like boarding passes, photos, napkins from cafes, pressed flowers, even stupid things like lolly wrappers.
In grade 11 it all fell apart; CJ went to a different school, and we tried to add Helen, Laura and Jess, and Chara started hanging out with different people. It wasn't really the same after that.
We'd still consider ourselves friends, but not close or even regularly in contact. I still remember that year in a dream haze of friendship bliss; only Megs and I stayed best mates for a long time after that, but even that has dwindled to nothing now.
Why bring this up?
I met in CJ in grade 8, and her mum was battling breast cancer. She held on until two years after we finished school, and succumbed. By then, CJ and I weren't close anymore, and we lost contact. Thanks to Facebook, we've sporadically kept in touch.
In March last year, she was diagnosed with the same, rare breast cancer her mum had. She had a radical mastectomy, chemo & then radiation, and thought she was clear. Today she found out, thanks to an emergency department visit because of shortness of breath, that the cancer wasn't beaten. It's metastasised to her lungs and nodes; she has a 22% chance of surviving the next five years.
CJ has two children; a little girl who is 5 and a little boy who is 15 months old. She is three months older than me.
Like I said, we aren't particularly close but we have had contact. This has hit me hard today. It makes me so angry, and furious that this happens to people. It makes me question the why of it all; what's the point when people like this get these lots in life? Why her, and not someone else? Why not me? I feel guilty for being angry with Andrew and Evie today, because I should value and appreciate every minute I have with them, because you really don't know how many minutes you have left. I feel so happy (and guilty about it), that its not me with that diagnoses and road ahead of me.
We have another good friend who was diagnosed with leukaemia a few years ago (maybe 4, 5?). His wife was in Uni doing nursing, and they had two kids (early teens). Just before Christmas he found out the leukaemia was back, and they didn't give him more than four months to live.
Another friend has a 19 year old sister with terminal bowel cancer - less than 6 months left.
Another friend had her father die from pancreatic cancer two weeks after being diagnosed with it, out of the blue.
Everywhere I look at the moment, there is cancer cancer cancer with no relief or positivity. I am angry that we can't do more for them. I am angry that CJs children will grow up without a mother. I am angry that CJ has to live with that knowledge - she said she would be grateful to make her youngest's first day of school.
WHY. Why is life so unfair?
I struggle constantly with faith and believe in God. Sometimes I think that he gives me comfort, but I rail against him letting this happen.
Perhaps the lesson is learning I have no control. I can't fix everything. None of us can.
it is very difficult to accept, and doesn't change any of it.
Tonight I wish I wasn't doing medicine.
3 year wedding anniversary today. Time is flying but at the same time it feels like that three years has been a lot longer. So blessed with my life and family.
Tomorrow is my super big exam. Technically I only need to get 13% on it to pass the year but I want to do well and am angry at myself for not studying more. The last few weeks have been hard - I got really sick and was coughing up blood so went to the doc and got diagnosed at beginnings of pneumonia. No wonder I felt like crap and had no energy. Am still not right but using that as a poor excuse for not having done more study. Wasting way too much time selling baby clothes on Facebook for a profit.
Wish me luck!!
Tomorrow is my semester halfway mark. To be honest, I feel better and more in control than I ever dared to hope, which is fantastic. Had a big test on Friday just gone, not sure when I get results, but will confirm I'm on the right track or hopelessly over-estimating my abilities.
Got an assignment back a week or so ago. Only worth 2%. Got 86%!!! Highest mark in class which I'm aware of (not to say someone else didn't get higher, just that I haven't heard so on the grapevine). Off to a good start, but need to maintain!
Evie is on solids now - farex & pumpkin - and LOVING it. My little piglet is devouring them, which is great. She sees the spoon and opens her mouth wide with her head tipped back, and then waves her arms in excitement when she is chewing. I give her a spoon to feed herself and she's pretty damn good at putting it in her mouth and getting the food off it!!!
Gotta go - need sleep, but love you all!! xxx
So my "post an entry screen" and my "log in" screen are all of a sudden displaying in ridiculously small font. My eye sight is great, but I'm struggling to read it! My friends view and "my journal" view is still displaying normal.
Not sure if I accidentally managed to change a setting? I haven't fooled with them at all...
My browser settings haven't changed, and none of the other pages I frequent have chagned, only these pages in LJ, which makes me think it's LJ. Anyone else noticed shrinking fonts?
If it is a setting, any suggestions on how to fix it, because it is REALLY annoying!
Just attempted to make Rice Krispy Treats for the super creative cake I'm making for my baby shower.
Apparently when you melt marshmallows they turn into bubblegum, and bubblegum sticks to EVERYTHING. Where was the warning on the recipe?!?!?!?